I Just Can't
by Liisa
Summary: It is said that the best way to deal with your grief is to talk about it. Harry has no one during the summer after his fifth year.


**Title:** I Just Can't  
**Category:** Angst  
**Sub Category:** Drama  
**Keywords:** Harry Sirius Death  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Spoilers:** OoTP  
**Summary:** It is said that the best way to deal with your grief is to talk about it. Harry has no one during the summer after his fifth year.  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Author notes:** Just a heads up, this one-shot contains angst by the truckload.You have been warned.

* * *

Merlin, I'm so sick of asking myself these questions.

Why him?

What if I had just thought?

Why can't I just die?

I just can't...

People say it gets easier if you talk to someone about it.

I just can't...

Well, literally.

I'm forced to write about it.

Write.

I'm just glad you're not trying to talk back to me.

Of course, I'm used to my summers being like this.

But when you consider what I could have had....the family that I never really knew...

I just can't...

I know, I know, everyone has told me the "truth".

They've told me who to blame.

I just can't...

It was _me_, and no matter who says otherwise, I _know_ that it was _my fault_.

He asked me to live with him way back in third year.

He wanted to be my legal guardian.

He wanted to give me a home.

It'll never happen now.

And that makes it hurt worse than ever.

And...

I just can't...

I think the last time I wrote in this journal was when I was eight.

It was the first time I remember hearing a kind word from someone.

My teacher congratulated me on my spelling test.

My uncle yelled at me and locked me in the cupboard for cheating.

The only reason I had the journal was because I got it free on the first day of school.

I never showed my "family" because I knew they would take it away.

They take everything away.

But _I_ took _him_ away.

And now I have to go on living with that knowledge.

I just can't...

I've replayed those words in my head over and over the past month.

_I just can't..._

I'm becoming terrified of myself.

And I think I know why.

If I knew how to do the Avada curse...

I'd do it on myself.

I just can't...

I've thought of what it would be like to die.

To be a ghost.

To see my parents again.

To see him again.

To be rid of the bloody prophecy.

I'm not afraid to die.

I just can't...

I'm sure if I tried, my watch guards would rush in and stop me.

Because I have to save the world.

Me.

_I have to save the world._

I just can't...

Could you imagine me doing anything, much less saving the world, right now?

I just can't...

I'm just...Harry. Just Harry.

I have clothes that are too big for me.

I have no way of taming my hair.

I am an orphan.

I am a freak.

I am a wizard.

I am supposed to be the boy-who-lived.

I just can't...

There are times I wish that Hagrid had never found me that night.

There are times I wish I had never met Ron and Hermione.

There are times I wish I had just kept my nose out of it.

There are times I wish I never found out the truth that night in the Shrieking Shack.

There are times I wish I would have just died that night that my parents were killed.

There are times I wish I could just escape from it all.

There are times I wish I could just go back and change it all.

I just can't...

I had a dream last night that he was still alive and that he came to get me.

Then he looked at me in my baggy clothes and my messy hair and he scowled.

He yelled at me for what seemed like hours.

Like he knew that it was my fault.

Like he blamed me.

Merlin, I want to cut it out of me.

I just can't...

I want it all gone.

I don't want to remember, because I would be fine if I hadn't known him.

He would just be another person who died in the war.

Another person that was killed because I haven't fulfilled the prophecy yet.

I want to forget him.

I just can't…


End file.
